Flushing Crushing – A tale which sucks
I can’t deny it, but the most fascinating period of my life so far has been the period wherein I first experienced instant gratification for a stranger. They went from being an unfamiliar face to someone I. still feel in my skin, as if they are someone I’ve known for a long time. Isn’t that absolutely insane?
I had my first crush when I was 13 years old. The name crush is rather true; it crushes and crashes your bursting sentiments and emotions, making you feel as if your floor is sliding down whenever they approach you. When they glance at you simply by accident, you feel a sudden shock in your body. These are common signs that indicate a crush breakdown in the true sense. You lose control and become the most vulnerable human being ever.
When the wheel already started rolling, I realised my emotions. I could picture myself doing virtually everything for them. When I’m around them, I try to catch a glimpse of them or, in some situations, strike up a conversation. I mimicked their actions, purposefully walked close to them, became friends with individuals they knew, and, worst of all, asked them embarrassing questions in public. Most of my close friends were aware of this, so they used to tease me about it in a lighthearted manner. This phase started to become enjoyable for me. It appears to be simple for others, but I took it so seriously that it created huge problems with my outlook on life and social relations.
Now that I’m away from that melodrama, I enjoy sitting down and thinking and dissecting everything, as if I’m a third-person observer. I couldn’t tell what was right or wrong, good or bad when I was around them. To be precise, I began to consider what I could have done to avert my disappointment at times, as well as tracing the reasons why my sentiments were meaningless to them or why they thought I was strange. The hunt was enlightening, exhilarating, and a little upsetting and heartbreaking all at the same time.
My initial thought was, “What exactly was my need for them?” What was it that I desired? A friendship, a relationship, or something as simple as a pleasant conversation? I had no idea what that was. The second question is why did I acquire a sudden affinity for them, which I suddenly lost once I left that city. I was still unable to provide thoughtful responses to these queries, which is why the situation remains unknown to me.
I knew one thing for sure: I used to dislike it when they didn’t pay any attention to me. From their perspective, this appears normal because they may feel uncomfortable about it and it may be their first time. I, on the other hand, took it personally and began blaming myself for everything. I wasn’t psychologically prepared to deal with such a rush of emotions at the time. I avoided wearing jeans and T-shirts as I felt body shamed. As a consequence, I blamed the fact that my body isn’t “appealing” to them. Or maybe I’m not as intelligent as they are (although honestly, I have been just like their level academically, for no reason, I always used to find them superior in every term). Finding bumps in each side of mine became easier just for trying to be like them. How unfortunate!
They taught me the value of silver and status. Belonging from the rich strata, they used to show off the fact that they study in a rich school and I used to feel beaten up as I didn’t belong to that kind of school (although me not studying in that sort of area had a variety of reasons which is actually not even related to money whatsoever). As an 18-year-old, I would say that I have never experienced more insecurity than I have around them. I would never forget how much I felt emotionally threatened when I made a failed attempt to have a conversation that I thought about and planned so much for. I’ve never felt worse.
Everything always has a bright side. I’m grateful for what happened and I never regret anything. If I ask myself if I could have done better, I would deny it with all my heart. I know the bad and the good parts, so feeling melancholy for something already done is pointless. After about three years, I still want to see him and tell them how much I loved them. After my abrupt departure, I was unable to tell them anything. I truly don’t know how they felt, whether they had something or not. I know that thinking and hoping for something I can’t ever change is a waste of time. Moving ahead is as important as experiencing it. I won’t lie, I still talk and think about them. Not as a wish, just as a souvenir.
