Toxic Illusions – A tale of heartaches and insincerity
What I miss most in life is something I can never control, an injury that never heals, a cut that always bleeds. To make this clear, imagine yourself in a situation where you feel as if the ground beneath you feels cold and your body begins to tremble and your head shakes. The reason for these abnormal situations is a text message from someone or a nasty comment someone made which judges the entire character you have been carrying with pride all these years. Someone, subconsciously or knowingly, hurts you in a manner that you cannot undo or forgive this feeling. It hurts the most when someone does this sinner work is the one you trust, love or at least respect. I can’t explain that insufferable void where you have no choice but to blame yourself for the consequences. There are times when I try my best to forgive them for their foolishness, but there are times when I wonder about their intentions and the feeling they had before doing such thing. I had one recently, and it was hurtful when it went down with someone I trusted so much.
Every time I remember my bustling childhood, it had a prominent feeling of grief and uncertainty caused mainly due to the outside world making inappropriate choices for bursting the bubble of my happiness and contentment. Waiting impatiently for those witches and wizards for answering my dumb messages or laughing off every bad comment just to make it appear as a joke, I had practised over the top to connect to people by cutting my fairy wings. Up to a level, it is necessary to sustain in a world of growing competition, but when it gets too much that even for the “closest” circle, you find yourself pretentious and flashy. I admit that I have also been wrong and ugly to people, to hurt them intentionally, maybe that gave me a boost of being proud, but except some instances, I have felt wrong for my actions and have gone against my way to make them feel as if I am sorry. But when they act coldly against me, I can stop feeling uncomfortable and hurt myself for something I once sought forgiveness for. Isn’t that enough on my part to let them forgive me and give room to revive the company? I can’t seem to help it. This is an endless spiral of unsettled and unresolved feelings that exhausts me emotionally.
People I’ve had these kinds of problems with always come to mind as narcissists and egocentric. It’s as if they have no place for me in their lives. They become jealous of my accomplices and feel powerful when I fail. They rarely speak to me with pure intentions and always have something to do with me. They find moments to attack me and are rather nice having a poker face in front of me when I find them liked. They backstab me every time I need them to look nice and gentle when they need me. I do not understand their reasons, because there is always a bubbling drama surrounding them to me. I feel strongly judged when they look at me with haunting eyes and become nervous when I’m expected to face them. When I am with them, all is nothing less than a trip to me. Over time, dealing with these types of people becomes easier and easier, but the emotional baggage becomes more burdensome. The distressing stories and emotions get bottled up and you feel like you could actually write a full fledged story just based on those situations. You can hardly ever forget their contribution to your life, and the saying that time cures all seems more like a myth to me.
The thing that is even more ominous is that you can never ignore these people, avoid or ignore them. You will have these people in your life, but you need to improve to deal with them. Ignoring them, creating boundaries or simply shutting them down can help you overcome them, but forgetting what they’ve done to you is inevitable. Recognize that you have made some punches, created some injuries, but tried to fit in. You tried to go far over your way to fix things, but it didn’t work. Messaging them when they forgot you, trying your best to drag a conversation or just striking a smile when they see you. Isn’t these gestures enough for making them feel something for you ? as basic as kind respect for humanity? What goes in their head when they still ignore your purpose of mending broken fences? isn’t that their fault now.
You can’t change these people. And they won’t change. They will continue to find new prey and by doing so will try to achieve their unsatisfactory satiety of ego. They will still hate you, whether now or in 20 years. It is always better to leave them alone and not try to change them altogether.
I realise now that my space is worth something. It is not free to get across every possible human in life. Although late, I realised all the red signs I ever had for something is real and meant to be heard. Meant to be known and addressed. The people who think that my feelings are open for everything and my mind is open for letting everyone enter, they are absolutely wrong. Now I have certain rules in my head to let any person, their comment or gesture to get in my head and the need to be labelled. I don’t give a damn to people and their unfriendly actions, and they don’t deserve me and my attention. Going back and digging old graves will just create more and more hurt in the existing wound, so the best is to let them go and move on in life.
Everything which has happened to me, whether good or bad, has happened for my good. I learnt from that experience so it never went in vain. Acknowledging this, moving on in life becomes easier, lighter and smoother. Living life for experiences is the best way possible, whether they haunt you in the middle of the night or makes you wonder about your existence.
